Celestial Reveries

2006-04-06T15:43:00.000-04:00

“We gotta come to some new ideas about life folks ok? I'm not being blase about abortion, it might be a real issue, it might not, doesn't matter to me. What matters is that if you believe in the sanctity of life then you believe it for life of all ages. That's what I hate about this child-worship syndrome going on. "Save the children! They're killing children! How many children were at Waco? They're killing children!" What does that mean? They reach a certain age and they're off your fucking love-list? Fuck your children, if that's the way you think then fuck you too. You either love all people of all ages or you shut the fuck up.” -Bill Hicks

2006-03-28T17:30:00.000-05:00

So it's been a while since I've had a chance to sit and write in my blog. I guess you all want to know what's up... or not, I don't know if anyone really reads this anymore.

Okay, we'll start off light, I suppose. Well, there is no "light" going on with me. So we'll start with "better than it could be." Mathew and I have made amends and we are friends now. I'm coming to realize that I still love him but I know that I can't go back to him, and he knows it too, so we're happy just being friends. Besides, Rocky is my heart. I've decided to let go of all the hatred in my heart and step one was forgiving Mathew.

Speaking of Rocky, things are well between us. I am absolutely certain now that he loves me and that's all I need. I finally worked up the balls to tell him that I loved him. His response? "I know you do, dear." But, whatever, I'm certain of his love and that's all that matters. I see it in his eyes and hear it when he talks to me. I'm trying to get back up there soon. I miss him very dearly. But in September, it will be a little better, I hope.

I plan to move to New York in September, October at the latest. I'll be in the Syracuse area or thereabouts. I need a few things first, like a car and a better-paying job. But I have to wait until May to be a better government job. So that gives me four or five months to save up enough money for a down payment on a car. I want to be closer to Rocky, and also somewhere that I don't know anybody so it'll be easier to focus on school.

That's another thing, I've decided to go back to school and be a psychology major. I had an epiphany after shrooming one night that maybe my life's mission is to make people human again. What better way to go about it besides being a therapist?

Regarding my health, my discs are degenerating, which would be normal were I twice my age, but I'm not. The numbness has spread to the nearly entirety of my left side. It's a pain in the ass... or back, to be more precise. I found really weird lumps in my neck, I dunno what the hell they're from, but I really don't care much. I'm just tired of it all, I guess. I think it's just time to go home...

2006-03-20T13:01:00.000-05:00

Having shed my erstwhile alacrity, I am adrift once again in ersatz satisfaction. My weightlessness, my lack of gravity in this existence is all but unnoticed admist the gust of a spring wind that blows winter away for another year. I close my eyes to avoid the dust colliding with them and I dream with tentative reverence. Unity and alliance collide in a graceful pulchritude. There is no crime; there are no weapons— they were melted down and used for shelter for vagabonds and all the money used to make them goes to feeding the hungry and curing the ill.

A sudden zephyr shakes me from my reverie— a warning that time for rest is near its end. As the Axis of my vindicated stability lies austere mediocrity, disquieted in its obstreperous lull. Can I shine despite obduration's tarnish? If I'm reborn now, will they see me from the surface?

Violated in trust, under the Prince of democracy's thumb, overwhelmed with ignorance and denial— where are the quixotic and the brazen? We need a new leader that can pull us out of the chasms we fell into— globally and nationally. We're puppets on a string, the media our puppeteers and they the dummies atop the government's lap with its hand up their asses.

I get raped, he gets 5 years probation and now wants off of it. Now what about my sentence? Living in fear, guilt and shame— a life sentence, no chance of parole. Stand up for what you did and be a man about it! They're going to let him go; I can feel it.

Such is the power of it all— government manipulation— never on the victim's side. America is Pangea's bully. Stand up for what you believe in, but within moderation. Everything within moderation. To be limitless would be to be nearly anarchaic.

Two more years and perhaps it will be done. Two more years until the Boy King's reign is over. Thank you, FDR, for being the cause of the two term limit. Revolt and evolve— or sit on your asses. I don't care anymore... but it's time for a change.

"Nearly all men can withstand adversity; if you want to test a man's character, give him power."

-Abraham Lincoln

2006-03-04T13:12:00.000-05:00

Tranzliate this Shiznit ta Jive!

Click tha Spinn'n Rim Beotch!

www.myYearbizzle-- Created by 2 hizzy schoo` students ta kick myspace's ass

2006-02-07T07:52:00.000-05:00

Recently, I’ve come to a peculiar crossroad in my path towards maturity that I’m not entirely sure how to cope with. “Emotional, spiritual, and intellectual evolution” is actually the term that I fondly refer to it as. Since shedding the burden of having a significant other and the complications of frequent physical love (the latter not so much a burden, the lack of it being more the parent of a more inward evolution that was borne to fill this void), I’ve found myself delving very deeply into my own mind and the minds of others. I often sit and read, thinking, postulating, and in my own private way, praying.
I’ve come not only to worship the ethereal God of man, but the more secular, personal god of Knowledge. I seek understanding of the world, no longer blindly entrusting my fate to an unseen (yet, to me, somehow undeniably ubiquitous) deity. I cannot, I realized on my short walk down this path, that I cannot truly, sincerely call myself a Christian. I say that, I now know, to simplify my belief structure to those I feel would not understand otherwise. I find far too many holes in their doctrines—Jesus being the Son of God, yet entirely mortal, but somehow capable of otherworldly miracles, as a deity? I find it hard to not, as a literary and budding science fanatic, to read the Bible and take apart these miracles and try to place them into a logical explanation; I try to see the allegoric aspects and interpret the metaphors. Try as I might, I may very possibly just not be adequately adept at translating poetry quite yet to do so. Christians find refuge in these mysteries and I can respect that, but these holes are far too wide for me.
I cannot deny that there does, in fact, exist a divine power that presides over us all, because there is much that science cannot explain. For example, the origin of all life on this planet—Evolution seems the most probable, but it is hard to accept that this just randomly happened without some provocation from somewhere. The Big Bang, a decently reasonable theory could explain where the Earth came from, but where did the Big Bang originate? But I cannot worship a man that walked the land, the same as I—mortal, flesh and blood—for something inexplicable inside of me feels that this would be almost untrue to the God in my heart.
This is not to say that Jesus did not exist, nor that he was unwise—I believe that he was a truly sagacious individual—a radical thinker, a revolutionary and a rebel in his own right—that taught deeply profound tenets. Love thy neighbor as thyself. Honor your family. Love your God. These dogmas are so powerful, so moving, that religions all over the world agree with them. But I quarrel with the idea that he died to relieve me of my sins, presumably Original Sin, when even today, we still have to be baptized to cleanse us of that very same burden.
No, I worship a totally different trinity. I worship knowledge, love, and honor. These three “gods” all intertwine almost perfectly. Knowledge can lead to love, and this love can include anything or anyone—a god, family, friends, lover, et al.—and with this love, in my eyes, honor must come holding its hand, else the love is just pretense.

I fear I haven’t explained effectively.

I have an insatiable thirst for erudition. I pour over pages at a time, for hours at a time, soaking up as much as possible. Absorbing all this information has naturally provided segue for understanding. What I realize now, is that even since childhood, the term I’ve always craved to be referred to as “wise.” So I consumed knowledge day and night, as much as I conceivably could before my body gave way to fatigue. Learning became my sustenance. But I did this for a very different reason as a child, I know, I did it out of pure vanity and obscure arrogance. That has changed. I now pray at night to repent for such a sin— for the selfishness behind it all. But now, I learn to love, and love to learn. I try to understand as much as I can about other things, people and places, because if I know about it, then somewhere in all of that, there is something that I can relate to. If I can possibly relate to it, then I can love it, because what I’m relating to is a part of me and I’m an admittedly very selfish person—just like the rest of the world.

Never close your mind to the ideals of another person, even if you don’t like what you are hearing. This person is sharing with you something that he believes, a small part of who he is, something that he loves. By this person showing you this, he has shown you that in a way, he loves you as well. To respond to this love with scorn without asking the necessary questions to ensure your total comprehension is inhuman and cruel.

But this love cannot stand alone. It needs its eternal companion, honor. Honor is a broad term for many things—courage for your object of affection when they are experiencing any sort of travail, shunning any lie, even loyalty to this person when he is alone… I could go on describing my idea of honor, but I fear I’ve been long-winded enough thus far. To forego this trait would be to compromise the authenticity of your feelings towards this person, because the purest of love holds nothing sacred, except the love itself.
I wish many more people could see this as I do, but then again, my fervor and zeal for education is as much as vice as it is a blessing.

Ignorance is not as much bliss as knowledge is misery.

I know, thus, understand, and therefore empathize. I can understand what a person feels, and somewhere inside of me, if this person feels it feverishly enough, I can feel it too. It burns at me like a fire—but this fire was a gift deigned upon us by Prometheus, according to lore, a gift we were never supposed to have. So I am grateful to the Divine that I can feel this pain, as I was never really supposed to understand. I can acknowledge that I am not some pawn in an idol’s perverted chess game, but my own sentient being, struggling to connect to holiness through my mortal ilk and their own perceptions.

2006-01-04T22:46:00.000-05:00

Tired of ire, tired of shame, tired of patience, tired of limitations, no longer will I feel sorry for myself. Angry with the world— encumbered with frustration and the "sacrifice and compromise" lifestyle because immaturity and indolence are no longer options. Never good enough for family, thus self. Throttled in a dull and banal existence— frugality, modesty, shrewd emotional and financial budgeting— no spending or loving too much ("Everything in moderation, dear"). Let it all go and start fresh— an adult now, time to sit down, shut up and conform.

Passion is not accepted in American society. Must understand logic, rationality and reason, because that's what's responsible. "Responsible," a word that was drilled into my head since my conception, plagues me; am I ever responsible enough? Get a job, go to school; "We never want to you to just barely eke out a meager income for the rest of your life."

Corporations and capitalistic thinking have both severely skewed the priorities of modern human nature into near detriment. We value money, power, and fame— our holy American trinity. Whatever happened to love, honor, dignity, respect, pride, and beauty in the now almost unseen wonders of nature? What happened to family and self-worth? Today, we're so wrapped up in narcism and media-induced paranoia that we forgot who we are and what that means. We collectively spend millions on of dollars on therapy, seeking out diagnoses so that we have a scapegoat to blame our problems on and pills so that we don't have to deal with them! Stop worrying about fiscal gain and start worrying about having the emotional wherewithal to sustain a life of inevitable travail. It's a boon that people are at all able to project a single iota of conviction or fervor anymore!

To be an artist here is to embrace inherent struggle. We're free to speak, but are we free to express? Why must we suppress and painstakingly monitor our hearts and minds? I realize to that to expect a little empathy and perhaps some right-brained intellectualism is unrealistic and maybe even foolish, but I'm a dreamer! What kind of trite world would we live in without those of my particular ilk?

However, to be fairly playing devil's advocate, without the rationally military-minded, anarchy and discord would reign. A society cannot run efficiently without some sort of order to it; freedom is never without cost. Fortunately, there are the minds that unite art and science, and without them, modern technology and medicine wouldn't be half as advanced as it is today. But those two fields will indefinitely lead back to money, and money corrupts.

Our national definition of success is having the house, the car, the clothes, and the looks, and while all are well and good, do we truly appreciate it all? Do we realize what we, as a general populace, have that others don't? What would happen if we lost it all tomorrow? Would we know what to do?

Once we finally come into money, we lose our honor. We'll fight tooth and nail to hold on to it all, shamelessly slighting the repercussions and disregarding those that they affect. But if it weren't money, it'd be land, or livestock, or who knows what else? Because human nature is naturally inclined to a quid-pro-quo mentality.

So what can a quietly angry artist do in such a world to thrive? Pine for a future that will actually embrace its humanity? Amble about until this revenue-revering retinue retires? Linger around for an era that will never come to pass? No. Sit down, shut up, and conform.

2005-12-19T11:42:00.000-05:00

George Bush has started an ill-timed and disastrous war under false pretenses by lying to the American people and to the Congress; he has run a budget surplus into a severe deficit; he has consistently and unconscionably favored the wealthy and corporations over the rights and needs of the population; he has destroyed trust and confidence in, and good will toward, the United States around the globe. He has ignored global warming, to the world's detriment; he has wantonly broken our treaty obligations; he has condoned torture of prisoners; he has attempted to create a theocracy in the United States; he has appointed cronies to positions of vital national importance.Would someone please give him a blow job so we can impeach him?

Thanks to Benjamin for finding it. :)

2005-12-08T18:20:00.000-05:00

Your Irish Name Is...

Ennis O'Byrne

What's your Irish Name?

2005-12-05T12:11:00.000-05:00

1. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES? Which set? There are the tan ones, the white ones, the... well, that's pretty much it, I think.

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING right now?""Daughters of Bast"

3. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I don't really have a mouse pad. Gizmo keeps eating them.

4. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? It would have to be "Scene It," though Rocky kicked both Kiki's and my asses in it... twice.

5. DO YOU DRINK COFFEE OR ESPRESSO? COFFEE. COFFEE IS THE ANSWER TO ALL THINGS GOOD AND BEAUTIFUL IN THIS LIFE. I mean... uh... no, I meant just that... verbatim.

6. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? : "Meds. Back to sleep." ... hour later ... "Shit... 6 already?!"

7. FAVORITE COLOR? Purple.

8. LEAST FAVORITE COLOR? Burnt sienna. I don't know why. It just bothers me. It's not brown. It's not red. It can't make up its damn mind. And white. Why do they make a WHITE crayon? WHY?! I'm... I'm terribly sorry, I get rather upset when it comes to my crayons.

9. HOW MANY RINGS UNTIL YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? Um, as many as it takes before auto-answer picks up with my earpiece... three, I think.

10. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? Aidan Drake, Lee Anne, and Aislyn-- something or another. Haven't decided that yet.

11. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Strawberry.

12. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? Well. Let's put it this way... ever make it from Baltimore to the GW Bridge in 3 hrs? Well, I have.

13. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? My bed looks like a small plush zoo. There's an elephant, a camel, a bear, a hippo, an orangutan, a tiger, a bear... no lion as of yet... so I'll resist the bad joke.

14. DO YOU LIKE THUNDERSTORMS? They remind me of Joe. :)

15. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? 1989 maroon Oldsmobile Ninety-Eight. His name was Morty because he was an old, cranky Jewish man. My current car is named Mr. Ito, a small red Nissan Sentra SER... a little old Japanese man that tries really hard to be cool with his Rockford Fosgate system and such, but really he can't... because he's Asian. I know it's true.

16. WHAT IS YOUR SIGN? Leo, Scorpio rising, Virgo moon. And if you understand that, I applaud you.

17. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? I don't eat the leafy bits. They get stuck in my teeth.

18. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB WHAT WOULD IT BE? A freelance photographer and a revered poet, lauded over internationally for my talent and razor sharp wit. But... I'm Asian, so I have to dumb it down a bit.

19. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY COLOR HAIR, WHAT WOULD IT BE? About two years ago, I would have said red. But now that it's red, I'm dying for my natural color back.

20. IS THE GLASS HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY? Who drank my milk?!

21. FAVORITE MOVIE? *eyes widen* We'll be here forever and I only have 5 min. left on my lunchbreak.

22. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? I think I do... I'm not sure... I never did pay attention to that.

23. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? Clothes and other sundries.

25. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Martial arts, if you can count that.

26. YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST INTENSE PAIN? AJ had a good point with emotional pain, but for me, it ties in with that damned nerve problem in my back that I have. That I have in my back... that I-- y'know what? Fuck it. Damn English. "...nine fingers of Jameson is no excuse for poor grammar."

27. PERSON MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND TO THIS? Mer. Nobody, really. I don't expect anyone to...

28. PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? See above.

29. KETCHUP OR MUSTARD? I put ketchup on everything... from eggs to... eggs?

30. HAMBURGER OR HOT DOG? RIBS AND CRABS. Fuck those two... best BBQ foods are ribs and Chesapeake crabs.

31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? "Spring. It's not ridiculously hot -or- ridiculously cold, and most of the bugs haven't been born yet." -Here, here.

32. THE BEST PLACE YOU HAVE EVER BEEN? Not to sound corny or anything, but Simsbury, CT. My childhood friends live there.

33. WHAT SCREEN SAVER IS ON YOUR COMPUTER RIGHT NOW? I have a screen saver?

34. FAVORITE FAST FOOD? Does Chipotle count as fast food? Because that place's food is like heroin to me.

35. WHAT IS YOUR BIRTH NAME? Abagail Anne Seale Liu.

2005-11-22T21:47:00.000-05:00

Me and Jill:

jillian214: LMAO, being short sucks
faeichor: You know it
jillian214: Yeah, I'm shorter than almost everybody. Then again, I'm always sitting. But yeah

Me and Rocky:

A: "I've decided I need a fatter ass."
R: "Why?"
A: "So I have more cushion."
R: "Must be nice. I dunno, I've never had an ass."
A: "Me neither, I'll ask Jill what's it's-- oh, wait..."

2005-11-21T12:47:00.000-05:00

Okay, so Abby has bronchitis... again. Fucking... fuck. I just got over bronchitis. So I went out over the weekend. Lots of fun. Hung out with Skyler and his new crew... saw street races... got hit on... saw Walk the Line, very good, btw. Kiki's in town, can't wait to see her. At work right now... um, CT was fun. Pix on Ringo. Thaaaat's about it. So. Yeah. Oh, I started full-time last Monday, so... huzzah! Yeah. That's it. Laters.

2005-11-13T22:29:00.000-05:00

From the plane ride home:

I fucking smell like coffee-- Mobil, hazelnut, light and sweet. Every damn song on this CD has a memory attached to Rocky now. Curled up at his feet, singing along with him, smiling and having a good ol' time. Fuck. My fault for listening to it with him. Every sperm is sacred, by the way. I can't tell him how much I love him for fear of fucking rejection and freaking him out. Damn, does Cole (my hoodie) REEK if coffee. This guy next to me is just chugging down beer. Another offensive odor. I love Rocky. I want to tell him every hour on the hour. Every time he hugs me, kisses me, looks at me in the certain Rocky way... fuck. It's more frustrating than a cocktease to a 40 year-old virgin. I have emotional blue balls. I start to say, "I love you," but it comes out as, "You're the best, Rock." That's not like me. I'm very honest about my emotions. But fuck me in the ass with a chainmaille dildo with no lube before I let myself get rejected by the man I've loved since before I could even conceptualize the ideal. Love is a belligerent, truculent piece of shit emotion that whets the worst (and yet the best) of mankind. It creates wars and yet poetry, hatred and yet art. But still, like any other post-adolescent single female in her 20's, I am an addict and a slave to the bullshit. Rocky is one of my heroes for freeing himself of all the pointlessness of tact. And yet here I am, ranting about how asinine it all is when all I want is just to be held and properly validated. What happened to the 16 year-old who didn't give a flying FUCK about anything but a good orgasm? Now I don't want sex without love. That's that fucking word again! I will forego any distance, give up any luxury just to hear him say it to me, that one final piece of validation. "Buddy-buddy." BUDDY-FUCKING-BUDDY! I HAVE LOVED YOU SINCE I WAS 9 AND "BUDDY-FUCKING-BUDDY" FROM YOU?! God, he doesn't know how deep that cut. But I know he loves me. I see it in his eyes and feel it in his touch. I hear it in how he talks to me, sense it in his kiss. Ooh, I smell like bud, too, GOOO! Will this plane ever fucking land?! I want a fucking cigarette!! "Because you're mine,/ I walk the line..." "I knew you were the one,/ when I saw Machine Gun Ettiquette..." ah, songs that remind me of you, Noodle.

EAT CHIN!

Sorry, random memory. "Moose will love just about anyone that will dare to go near him-- kinda like Jessi." I'll tell ya one thing, "How High" will never be the same, I don't care who ya are. Wooo! Need to go to bed. It's laaaate. Now I'm really just writing to pass time.... DVD player fucking DIED. Fuck. Missed DKM concert today. But I got something a little- no- a LOT better in its stead. WOO! Plane landed! TIME FOR A JACK!

2005-11-09T12:21:00.000-05:00

To someone very special:

Have faith. Don't lose hope. It will all be fine if you believe.

2005-10-31T17:28:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to wish all a merry Samhain... or for you non-practictioners, a happy Halloween. Be safe... no bad trips or drinking until you puke. It IS a school/work night. Ta!

2005-10-24T10:29:00.000-04:00

I woke up screaming again. Jessi came running... thanks, hon. It was a scream of frustration... I dreamt I broke out of a psych hospital. I dreamt of Chris (Ian) coming to visit me, I dreamt of the same little Asian girl in the hospital who has tried killing herself multiple times... I dreamt I got punched in the eye and now that eye is swollen... I need to control my dreams. That Asian girl was screaming at me to turn off the alarm. I woke up thinking that I should call Mathew and then I found out that he called my house. I dreamt that once again, Rocky rejected me. Everyone that I loved was angry with me and didn't want to talk to me... Mom had a rough night, too. I also dreamt that I tried to kill myself and was cutting. It was like I was 16 all over again. Igh. I need to buy a dream dictionary. Gotta go... chores to do.

2005-10-23T12:05:00.000-04:00

Igh. I'm sick. Again... or still? I dunno, one of the two. I'm sitting here watching my precious Gizmo (my id) sniff around the backporch while making his way towards the door. Weirdest dog I've ever had the privilege of taking care of. Rocky says he's my id. In Freudian theory, the division of the psyche that is totally unconscious and serves as the source of instinctual impulses and demands for immediate satisfaction of primitive needs. Gizzy is pure base emotion. He wants what he wants when he wants it. But his demands are simple: a tummy rub here and there, a head scratch, and the occasional steak and cheese. Also a comfy bed, his elephant, and to bother as many as the other dogs as he can without getting hurt. He thinks he's much bigger than he really is. That's him in the picture with me. Isn't he cuuuuuuuute? Awwwwwww!

Well, Rocky is definitely coming down for Christmas! Kiki is dragging him down here whether he likes it or not. YAAAAAAAAAAAY! LoL, I should call Lisa and ask her blessing for uh... never mind. Lisa gets to tell Rocky what to do. Good for her. ^_^ I can't wait to see him. So far, we're doing pretty well on a two-month visitation basis. I guess the next trip, I go up there?

...speaking of the Id, he just stormed through the doggy door at such at speed, he couldn't stop running and collided head-first into Charlotte. She seems pissed.

Anyway, back to Rocky. Kiki and I are getting him a collection of gifts and they're going to rock! Kiki's getting a vacuum for herself... Rocky's getting.... stuuuuuuff. Leave me a comment on this post with what you want and I'll think about it. What I need are socks and pajama pants. That's all I need for now... maybe... I dunno, surprise me.

I'm going to see Doom with John today... woooo! We're going to Rio to avoid going to Regal... juuuust in case. Well. I'm outta here. Ta!

2005-10-20T15:06:00.000-04:00

So... finally, an update. Okay. First and foremost... the news on the romantic front. Matt and I are no more. We have ceased to be. We have broken up. It's been a while since, but, yeah. Basically, I finally realized what a horrible relationship it was and how bad it was for me. So, for the first time in 8 years, I'm single. It's odd... very, very odd. I spend a lot of time alone. I'm very awkward and uncomfortable often. I don't know what to do, really. I haven't got a lot of friends here that are able to spend time with me, except for John.

I kinda feel the same way I feel when Cory and I broke up-- really empty, weak, very sad, angry, and also kind of guilt-ridden. I haven't really let myself fully break down yet. I haven't let myself feel the pain and grieve. I kind of just trudge along, forcing myself to get out of bed and go to work every morning. I've been avoiding thinking about it. I'm surprised I haven't cut yet. I feel really alone now. It's not like I didn't feel alone before, anyway. But this is real. This pain is real. I need to learn to stand independently.

I can't help but wonder what would've happened had we stayed together. But that's dangerous thinking. I also can't help but wonder where exactly is was we went wrong. It's hard to look back and not see the happy times... like riding around in John's convertible in the summer with my head against his shoulder, him holding me afloat in the pool, going to Chipotle and Toys'R'Us, sleeping over at Josh's house, going to Tampa with my parents, sleeping together in the same bed, going to watch movies together, and the hardest to forget is him comforting me in the then-empty building next to Regal while I cried for the first time in years before going to see "The Ring." Or when we went to King's Dominion on my 18th birthday, meeting up after work and walking in the cold of winter, going to see Rent, and the one and only time that he told me that I sang beautifully.

But it's even harder to forget the hurt in his voice the last time we spoke, the raw anger that just drilled into my heart and left a scar, how he begged me to take him back— the desperation and longing that coated his throat... but he never cried. He promised to change for me. I really wished I could have believed that. "Please don't leave me... please tell me you love me again..." I had to tell him that I was in love with Rocky so that he would be able to let me go more easily. I kept telling him the real reasons but he wouldn't believe me. Everyone has limit, right? Everyone has a breaking point, right? I wanted it to work. I wanted us to get better, but I knew in my heart that we never would. We couldn't talk to each other anymore. We didn't trust each other anymore. I was tired and just worn out. We each developed our own separate lives in a last-minute effort to find out who we were and the end result was the death of our passion for each other. We each grew distant, cold and jaded. We each became more and more confused about our feelings for each other and so we found other people. That's when I knew. We were just... done.

And now I'm being the irrational bitch to him. I figure that if he hates me it'll be easier for him. I really wish I'd never met him, never fallen in love with him, never let myself go, hell, sometimes I even wish I'd never gone to Foundation. Not talking to him is really the hardest. I want to go back to him and tell him I'm sorry and that I'll be his again, but then I remember the struggle it was with him. How I cried everytime he got arrested, how much I fought with my family for him, the fights, the money, how he only called me when he needed something... I think about how I deserve better. And I do deserve better.

But I do have to thank him for restoring my faith in God. He also did teach me that I'm okay without my parents, that I'm okay to be alone. I'm stronger because of my relationship with him. I now know what it's like to take care of myself and somebody else. I've had to constantly set an example for him by acting responsibly (i.e.: no drugs, no drinking, steady job, firm relationship with my parents, getting my license, etc.) so now it's all kind of a habit. I know that I hurt now but in time, it will pass. I know that I will somehow always love him and have a weak spot for him. But I'm a survivor. I've made myself right with God, finally. I know that I'm a good person and that's what I've taken away from this.

On the medical front, I've got quite a few issues. Ever since the accident back in June, I've been having a lot of back and neck pain. My left side is weaker than it used to be, my legs hurt quite often, I get pins and needles in all my limbs, and my migraines get much worse. Also, on occasion, the veins in my hands swell up, I get red spots on them, and the tips of my fingers go numb. My mom says it's a pinched nerve. I had an MRI last week and on Halloween I go for an EMG. I'm really not looking forward to the EMG. That's where they stick things to (or in, I'm not sure) you and send electric shocks to your nerves to make sure they're okay. I saw a neurologist and she said it could be something called Cervical Spine Disease or something. I did some research and it seems accurate. I doubt it'll happen, but it's possible for me to become paralyzed. It's scary... and the pain is really annoying. I'm too young for this shit. I can't work as hard as I used to because if I do, I'll die. I can hardly walk as it is when I get home from work.

Speaking of work, I did get the full-time position. The paperwork hasn't really gone through yet, so what we're doing is having me work 8 hours on Fridays and taking one day off during the week. I work like a dog there. I'm pushing really hard. I just need something to keep my mind occupied so I don't wallow. I'm also trying to save up to move out. I need to get the hell out of Maryland. I might be moving in with Jessie Franke up in New York. The object is to not only live away from Maryland, but also to live kind of closer to Rocky. I won't live in the same state as him because if it doesn't work out between us, I'm stuck in a place where I know absolutely no one except for Rocky's friends. So that rule is agreed upon.

He and I have gotten a lot closer over the past few months, actually. I do have very strong feelings for him. But we don't get to see each other too often, seeing as how he lives in Connecticut. I've had a crush on him since I was 9 and he always kind of kept his distance. Then one day while I was up there, he just surprised the ever-loving crap out of me and kissed me! Ack! I was not only surprised, but impressed! He's a great writer, too. And sharp as a tack! I really like him. But I've learned from the past to keep a safe distance... so has he. Kiki said not to say "I love you" until he does... which will never happen. I don't think I'm going to let myself fall in completely love with him; I'm afraid of getting hurt again.

So Josh is going to war in two weeks. I'll pray for him, but I don't know if I could talk to him again. Ass tried to kiss me the other night. Yick.

Oh, and Benjamin's wedding is soon! YAAAAAAY! On the 29th, I believe. I'm so happy for him! Bear, may you and Maureen have many happy years together.

Last thing, then I'll go, because it's been two hours, lol. I've been looking for publishers. I'm finally going to compile all of my best poems into a book and publish it. That'd be a dream come true, no?

Okay, I lied, one more thing: Congratulations on getting your license back, John! I'm proud of you!

All right, now I'm going. I'll try to update more often from now on, now that I have the internet back. Bye, folks.

2005-08-22T07:51:00.000-04:00

1) Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.
2) I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3) I'll pick a flavor/color of jello to wrestle with you in. (Maybe Definitely.)
4) I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5) I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6) I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7) I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8) If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It is written.

For Joe:
1) Woof.
2) Tool's "Parabol" and "Parabola"
3) Blue!!
4) :-D Scooby Doo.
5) Um... "You're my hero..."
6) Duh... a wolverine or dragon
7) Haven't really wondered anything about you...
8) There. Now me. :-P

2005-06-15T11:23:00.000-04:00

Wow. I'm getting really lazy when it comes to this thingie. Well, then again, I don't have Internet access at home. Right now, I'm at work (YAY! JOB!) just farting around because I finished all my work. I got myself a cushy desk job with the government as a file clerk. Full benefits, $10.61/hr. I only work part-time, though. :( When the next full-time position opens up, it's mine.

Sad news-- I got into a car accident the other day. My car was totaled. Cops are saying it's my fault. Basically, I couldn't see the oncoming traffic because this asshole SUV pulled up to my left. I looked and traffic seemed clear enough for me to pass but this lady was going waaaay too fast to slow down in time to see me. So... I got hit. My neck was sore for a few days and I was scratched and bruised but other than that, I'm okay. Pissed off, but okay.

John went on this sailing trip for a week; he's going to Maine. He's crew on the boat so he's working. But he thinks it's fun so... more power to him, I guess.

I just finished The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series recently. Douglas Adams is a genius.

Pay day is on Friday. I have to pay back John and the bank and then... I start saving up for a new car. I wanna buy this all on my own, no help from Mom and Dad. I think I can lease it for pretty cheap... I was thinking about Eastern Motors ("Where your job is your credit!") or something similar. Right now, I'm sharing the car with my dad... he's anything but pleased about it.

Matt and I are still holding strong. He lost his job at Buy Buy Baby but is currently looking for a new one. He has an interview at Giant this week, pray that he gets the job. Well, that's about it. Catch ya'll around the bend.

2005-04-11T12:47:00.000-04:00

Wow... long time, no post. Um... I live with my parents now. It's the same deal here that it was at Floyd's, only better. I have my license now... um. Felly and I went to CT to visit Rocky and Ryan, that was fun. This Saturday, I'll be going to Miami. My dad went to Burma for two and a half weeks but he's coming back tomorrow. I'm excited— I missed him. I've gained some weight which really depresses me... dunno why, but I have and it does. Joe and his friend Tim plan to come kidnap me... I don't think it would be a good idea... I want to stay here after I get back from Florida and get my life together. I'm tired of being a kid... I'll be 20 soon... time to grow up. I have to go... I have chores to do. Oh... I dyed my hair again-- it's an auburn color. That's about it. Later, kids.

2005-01-26T16:46:00.000-05:00

And the update:

Moving back with my parents so I can get my life straightened out. I need a job and a car, etc. I go to get my license on February 1. I can't stand living with our landlord anymore. He's annoying and cranky a lot. Plus I wasn't raised to be somebody's servant. Connecticut was a BLAST. Hung out with the boys a lot. I had pink eye while I was up there and a cold. But they were nice to me about it. Drank a lot of coffee, got drunk, got high... came home and I was still damn high. That was interesting hiding that from my daddy. I made him buy me Popeye's. Leaving on Sunday. Taking some road trip with Felly when I get my license. Shanetha is hooking me up with a job interview soon. Really need that job.

Dyed my hair darker. Looks a LOT better. My cell number is still the same and my parents' phone number hasn't changed either. So if you want to call me, call my cell. I'm going to Miami with my sister, her husband, and Matt. We're probably going to see Jilly while we're there. Can't wait!! Jessi and Ian are moving there to start their business. Um. That's about it. See you next month!

2004-11-10T13:02:00.000-05:00

I would like to wish Joe a happy early birthday!! Haha! You're 21!! Old! Just kidding. I loveth you, Josephy!

2004-10-31T13:08:00.000-05:00

Abby... so... hung... over... went to this party last night, swore I wasn't going to drink and somehow wound up outside IHOP by my house puking and feeling really dizzy. I threw back six shots of vodka in about 10 minutes. Uhh. Never more, I say. I've decided I hate alcohol, I hate pot, ecstasy does nothing for me but my favorite is shrooms. Felly was a really good friend to me last night. I puked inside the IHOP too... couldn't make it to the bathroom, then I passed out in the booth and she ate her food then woke me up when she was done. She actually cleaned up after me the first time I puked. The next few times I actually made it to outside. That's when I felt damn low. I felt very pathetic and useless. Nothing was making sense. I just wanted my bed but even laying down didn't make me feel better. I threw up in the trash can because I got motion sickness. Alcohol is such a loser drug. But I dunno, I thought after all I've been through lately I deserved a party night. Felly said, "Y'know, for someone who doesn't drink very often, you sure know how to pound them back!" Whooooooo, that was no fun. Now I'm hung over and I hate it. I feel dumb now. I swear I'm not going to party that hard again. Tonight I might shroom again (yay!) with Felly.

Felly and I have gotten closer than ever over the last few weeks. She's such a good friend to me. I think that only she has enough tolerance to put up with my bullshit and vice-versa. *sigh* I love that girl. We have a lot of fun together. Felly, I treasure your friendship. ^_^ Oh, and...

LOVE!

2004-10-16T14:37:00.000-04:00

Abby with red hair and a Felly pants!!

2004-10-05T01:53:00.000-04:00

Two big pieces of news: I got my tongue pierced and I dyed my hair red. Pix soon. Yay!! Felicia says that she wants me to write about her on my blog so she can can feel special and be like, "I'm on the Internet, YAAAY!" She's really cool-- she got her dad's credit card and went fucking crazy! Everyone got something. That's how I got my piercing and my new hair color. My mom's going to say, "Yeah, you need a tongue piercing like you need another hole in your head." Then she's gonna be like, "Hahaa, I'm funny." I've been humping things all day... just kinda felt like it. Saw James today-- he's AWESOME. Very spiritual and profound kinda guy. Got lotsa new clothes-- socks, undies, shirts, sweaters, pants, the usual. Well. Bedtime. Night all.